You wanted it. You got it.

After Barcelona crippled Schalke 04’s offense during a two leg bout in the Champs League Quarterfinals in which Barca took a 2-0 aggregate win, they have been matched up with Manchester United, who outclassed AS Roma in a show of domination, in the Champions League Semifinals.

Now, prepare yourselves for an epic battle. Perhaps the most exciting fixture in all continental competitions for 2008. Both teams have a lot of fresh faces and young talent, and both teams play with their own interpretation of enthralling football.

Manchester United is currently Premiership leaders while Barcelona lies currently 2nd behind Real Madrid in La Liga. This season has been an outcoming party for Cristiano Ronaldo, where he managed to shine his superstar status brightly by scoring 36 goals in all competitions and definitely outshining the out-of-the-picture Ronaldinho. Both teams are stacked with superstars and both teams play exciting football. In this post I will explore the match-up per individual position player and hopefully open discussion on the expectations on the final result.

Goalkeepers:
Man Utd – Edwin vd Sar
Barca – Victor Valdez

In Holland they call him de “Ijskonijn”, tranlated into “Ice Rabbit”. He’s as cool as ‘ice’ in between the posts and small like a ‘rabbit’. Well, not exactly, Edwin vd Sar stands at 6’5 (1.97m) and he’s not to be fucked with. Tall goalies are intimidating to many players, especially since the goalpost bar is 8 feet high. Victor Valdez is Spain’s number 2 goalkeeper as Real Madrid’s Iker Casillas remains first choice. Although he’s passionate about keeping his goal clean, without the help of his defense, he remains vulnerable to many one-on-one situations. V.Valdez needs to be at his best to withstand the likes of C.Ronaldo and Rooney.

Defence:
Man Utd – Rio Ferdinand, Nemanja Vidic, Wes Brown, Patrice Evra
Barca – Rafa Marquez, Carles Puyol, Gianluca Zambrotta, Eric Abidal

Rio and Vidic are intimidating figures. They represent the best in their countries and would make no bullshit bouncers at a stripclub. Luckily, they’ve picked up some knocks in the recent weeks so hopefully that will make it easier for Barca to score. (If you think I am too biased then hell fuckin yea I am, BARCA FTW!!!). Little Evra reminds me of a turbo-charged engine on an electric Mitsubishi Evo, if there ever was one. He always runs at 6th gear and never runs out of gas. He’s got more tricks than Filmore Slim. Very dangerous and explosive. Wes Brown plays well depending on what color his hair is.

Puyol knows he ain’t pretty. He grows his voluminous lion’s mane to hide his dirty mug and tackles with his studs up. He don’t give a fuck. Blue collar at its finest, Puyol sacrifices himself for others, much like an Israeli virgin. His blue collar buddy is Rafa Marquez, the ponytailed pride of Mexico. Actually, Marquez is more like a Miami Rico Suave type but his on the field antics suggest he’s as blue-collar as the strawberry field pickers in Fresno. Zambrotta used to be a high-flyer but lately it seems that he traded in his work ethic for a top-down Ferrari Enzo. Actually, he’s the kinda guy that would buy a car without a top, period. Gotta look good in the sunshine, feel me? And Abidal remains France’s top pick for left back, although Patrice Evra would love to outshine Abidal on this occassion to solidify himself as first choice.

Midfield:
Man Utd – Nani, Cristiano Ronaldo, Owen Hargreaves, Paul Scholes, Giggs, Anderson.
Barca – Xavi, Iniesta, Yaya Toure, Gio dos Santos, Ronaldinho.

One of the reasons why Man Utd carried all this hype since the offseason was due to the arrival of Nani, Anderson, and Hargreaves. Nani, let’s just call him Michael Jackson of the Thriller days, loves to showboat. He likes to showboat with dripping wet curls and do tumbles on the field like Hugo Sanchez used to do. I personally don’t have a problem with his showboating but I do have a problem with his uncanny resemblance to the King of Pop. It’s like he TRIES to look like the man who claimed that Billie Jean’s baby aint his. Anderson likes the hoes and not afraid to admit it. I mean, we all do. But we all don’t carry that dreadlock weave he’s got. Nonetheless, I think he’s performed the sickest dribbling move I’ve ever seen on Youtube. While he’s been used mostly as a winger in his previous days, Fergie and his lovely lady lumps converted him into a controlling midfield anchor. Hargreaves brings the gritty back to the squad. A Roy Keane type of player but more refined. He’s there to make sure MJ and the baby-faced predator don’t go out of control.

I don’t think I have enough room or time to write enough superlatives about Cristiano Ronaldo. Yes, we all know how sick he is, so there’s no point in me sucking his dick any further. All I know is, for Barca to stop him, we need the ultimate defender, fast and agile, but strong and smart as well. Xavi should suffice to cover C.Ronaldo, but although he might win 9 out of the 10 challenges, C.Ronaldo is lethal enough to convert that 1 challenge into a match winning goal. My tip to Barca in regards to handling Cristiano, is exactly how the Dutch national team instructed K.Boulahrouz to stomp C.Ronaldo in the groin in the first couple of minutes so he could cry and go suck on dede on the bench. And Giggs and Scholes are old. I say that because I’m old and I remember those 2 youngsters back in the early 90s before their patchy hair loss. And my own hairline has started to recede.

Xavi and Iniesta are the main 2 piston engine of the team. They are the heart and soul of the team as being both the creators and stopper of goals. They have unenviable positions on the middle of the field to perform duties beyond their scope. Although small in stature, they stand tall to any challenge. This is made easier by the arrival of Yaya Toure, the big black African. A Patrick Viera type, but way way way more rugged and durable. Toure is the main link between midfield and attack and understands his role.

Now, many people think Gio dos Santos is Ronaldinho’s baby brother or clone. But I can reassure you that he’s not. In fact, Gio is Mexican not Brazilian. But I can’t blame you neither. Maybe Gio wants to be like Ronaldinho as much as Nani wants to be like Mike. (Jackson not Jordan). He might have even bought the life-sized self-adhesive Wallbangers poster of Ronaldinho. I mean, who hasn’t? (I personally don’t but I got one of Aleksander Hleb, Arsenal midfielder and sexiest man in Hungary). But don’t confuse yourself, Gio dos Santos might be one of the most talented young Mexican player of this decade.Versatile on either wing, he terrorizes defenses and plays his heart out. That what Ronaldinho used to be…

Ronaldinho…. oh oh Ronaldinho. All those skills and still the same buckteeth. Dinho’s got money and fame now. Despite looking like a tranny, he’s got one of the hottest big-booty Brazilian bitches not featured on internet porn. I wish he was the same Ronny. I wish he would cut his hair and stop samba-ing so much on the field. I mean, is there really a reason to start dancing at the corner flag right before taking a corner? Life’s a party for this guy, and I think he forgot that he’s supposed to be working.

Attackers:
Man Utd – Wayne Rooney, Louis Saha.
Barca – Samuel Eto’o, Bojan Krkic, Thierry Henry.

John Wayne Rooney is a kind of player who scores goals but needs chances. He’s not like Ruud v Nistelrooy, who earned his bread and butter by being there at the right place and at the right time. Rooney works hard for his dough, but isn’t always that efficient in front of goal. Nonetheless, Fergie and his Fergaliciously Glamorous self makes sure to employ Rooney week-in and week-out. Louis Saha is too busy filming Euro MTV Cribs episodes to be in the line-up. He looks like a donkey.

Sammy Eto’o reminds me of Mandela. What you see in Eto’o is a man full of righteousness and veracity. Qualities that Barack Obama pretends to have. Eto’o doesn’t take his fame and fortune for granted, and brings his plight on the field every week. He works hard now that he’s got soccercleats and he’s grateful to have them. This man can rip defenses apart by himself. He’s got the speed of a bullet and the endurance of an Ethiopian marathon runner. Aided by Thierry Henry and youngster Bojan Krkic (easier referred to as “Bojan”), makes Eto’o even more peligroso.

Enough of the jokes. Bring it on. We will see C-Bleez who will come out on top. You’re going down like Nani on Cristiano’s nuts. Muahahaha! Barca Forca!! Hijo de putas el gato negro es muy caliente!!!!!!